Sunday, May 22, 2011

RIGHT THERE

I've realized how difficult it is to maintain a friendship as we all grow up. Especially after what hit me during my poly days. This bitch went around telling people how I wanted to steal her boyfriend, whom wears way too much gel on his hair and wears his brother's oversized clothes cause he has none? Like cum'on man, while you were bitching about me to the clique, you were also telling me someone else is hitting on your boyfriend. He is no prince charming, far from it actually, the whole world ain't trying to pounce on him, only you. I guess birds of the same feathers flock together. Oh well, it hit me hard cause I guess nobody really liked me for a year or so? I knew you weren't that simple when you kept awkwardly staring at me since the first day of class. And if you're reading this, good job, you manage to hurt me but oh well, you're boyfriend goes to China for prostitutes so I guess you had a reason to make someone else's life way worst than yours.

Why do some girls make such terrible friends? When you get close to them, you let your guard down, they come running to you, and the next thing you know, you've got a knife sticking out of your back. It's not just one person from poly who've affected me so badly, there's plenty out there. I've always envied my boyfriend's friendship with his bunch of primary school friends. When they hangout, no bitching involved, no one's feelings will be hurt.

When I was in Secondary school, I had lotsa best friends who I genuinely loved. We would hang out everyday after school, playing block catching, watching TV all the way till the skies turned dark. Even during my poly days, though most of my classmates hated me, I didn't give a damn, cause I knew right beside that aisle, there's another helluva friend waiting for me to have dinner together.  I begin doubting myself, is it me who grew up and became way too picky on people I hang out with? Whenever a friend screws up, I cut them out from my life, totally. I played it way too many times, some couldn't give a damn, walked straight out of my life. Some who really cared, came crawling back, and I am thankful for that.

I had this one best friend, she loves to criticize me in the expense of allowing herself to feel better. Like for example, "you're so skinny, you make me look so fat, but its okay cause you're short" or "it's not fair that you look better in the pictures cause you have make up on, but its okay, you have an awkward smile" or "you're Miss Boring and I am Miss Fun"in front of all her freakin friends. All the comments I've mentioned may seem harmless, but she does it way too many times that it's pissing me off. She was my childhood friend man, I used to love her presence so much, did growing up really changed her that much? But I had to refrain from hanging out with her cause every single time we meet, she's just throwing criticisms at me, which still makes my blood boil. And every single time she tried to hurt my feelings, not once I've tried to defend myself or retaliate back by throwing a huge criticism back at her, because I didn't have the heart to hurt her. Where the hell did she pick up so much courage to hurt me again and again? I begin doubting myself. I told my boyfriend, am I really that bad of a person that she has to keep correcting my personality?

I also realized, when an opportunity hits, no one will really feel happy for me. Like when last year, someone emailed me to go on a TV program. Honestly, I was super excited. I wanted to break the news to everyone. But people's reaction to it is either ignoring the topic, or say something nasty in the tone of: "she's trying to show off again". The only people who would be genuinely happy for me, is my sister. She'd always say "go for it",and my boyfriend, who'd tell me to follow my heart. Still, I backed out cause I guess I was way too timid for it.

I yearned for a best friend, someone who hates chick flicks as much as I do. Someone who listens to the same kinda music as me. Someone who enjoys watching the same sitcoms and documentaries as me. It's then I realize, what more can I ask for, my two best friends are right there, my sister and my boyfriend. And the best part is, if they screw up, I can never cut them out from my life, cause you can never run away from kinship and love.

There's been comments on my formspring, left by some girls who were like me during my poly days. Poly life would really suck if you met the same kinda bitch I did two years back. Defend yourself, don't ever make the same mistake I made, leaving poly with everyone having a huge nasty impression of me. I had my awful days... but what the heck, it's all cleared out now.